’ The doorbell rang again and Elsie was suddenly aware that whilst an age had passed between her and Connor, the pizza delivery had been waiting outside for a couple of minutes. Her gaze flitted towards the door. ‘Oh forget the bloody pizza!’ Connor barked, making Elsie jump. She turned back to see him looking at her with barely contained tears in his eyes. ‘What don’t you know about?’ Elsie shivered, suddenly cold. Tears were building behind her eyes and yet she couldn’t stop looking at the expression on Connor’s face. Pain and confusion were radiating from his eyes and Elsie could feel every one of his emotions breaking her heart. She wanted to say yes just to make him stop looking at her like that. Instead she said, ‘I just… I need to think.’ The tears overflowed and her voice crumbled into a high-pitched whisper. ‘I’m sorry.’ Connor stepped forward and wrapped his arms around her. Elsie sank into the hug, resting her head on his naked chest and wept. * * * ‘You said you didn’t. I shouted - "Where you off to Charlie?"He said, "I'm off to change a light bulb."Well I just cracked up, couldn't stop laughing, then said,"That's gonna be a bit awkward init?" Not really." he said. "I still have the receipt, you insensitive bastard."I've accidentally swallowed some Scrabble tiles.My next crap could spell disaster.Went out last night and got really wasted.I woke up this morning next to a fat old bird who was snoring and farting ... so, at least I got home OK.The wife's back on the warpath again.She was up for making a home video last night and all I did was suggest we should hold auditions for her part.Angela Merkel arrives at Passport Control in Athens airport."Nationality?" asks the immigration officer."German," she replies."Occupation?"No, just here for a few days."As the coffin was being lowered into the ground at a Parking Officer's funeral, a voice from inside screams:"I'm not dead, I'm not dead. Let me out!"The Vicar smiles, leans forward, sucking air through.
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